Change

not sure if anyone reads this blog anymore, but im moving my writing and everything over to tumblr.

tormenterrarium.tumblr.com

cheers,
-Tanner

baths and the moon and everything really

If it takes shit to make bliss, well then I feel pretty blissfully.

I can never decide if I believe in God. He is so cool for bringing us together but so cruel for bringing us together.

If lifes not beautiful without the pain, well I'd just rather never even see beauty again.

Everything about you is painfully beautiful.

Your tumblr is so black and white but life wasn't meant to be that way.

And yes, the moon was white against black as it came over the mountain and it illuminated you so perfectly. I never wanted to leave. It all made sense.

Either way, Baths will never sound the same. Zac said you didn't listen to Baths when you complimented my shirt but I don't care. I never liked you because of a band.

Sorry, but I love the way drugs make me feel and yeah they got me evicted. Somehow I'm happy about it because now I am geographically closer to you. Somehow magic mushrooms made me end up on your street. Yet somehow people say that drugs lead you down the wrong path.

Well fuck them. Fuck these lone peak fakes and their monotony. Fuck these sheep following each other. Fuck the whole herd. Fuck them and fuck everyone and everything but us. You're only sixteen years old and I want to hold you until you're a hundred and sixteen. Hopefully you're the last one I have to fall in love with.

Maybe this wasn't meant to be. Maybe you're faking it. Maybe I don't actually want what I think I do. Maybe we should go back to being sheep.
Maybe I'm willing to risk it all.

My Backyard

curiosity may have killed the cat but it's the only reason why my heart keeps pumping blood.

a $40k brick fence between me and my parents is damn hard to climb over
I don't mind. I never wanted to leave anyway

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what?
what?

why.

it doesn't even take a brain to understand but i'm listening to the most beautiful playlist and I would rather not take out my headphones.
I close my eyes when your lips start moving (the blind can see better)
but I don't see why you're so angry.


feet stained green and tie dye eyes
not born, but raised
I don't mind the solitude





maybe you could call it a phobia of reality.

The Land of Opportunity

If you were to ask me what was so important about the fourth of July I would say that it was the day I quit my job and started packing for Oregon. You would ask why I was going and I would tell you that it is hard to understand.

And God bless America because I'm 18 years old and I feel so free. Now there are fireworks going off in my head and I know they are beautiful but they are hard to understand.

I don't know why suicide is possible. Luckily for him, it wasn't.
Because the journey through state borders is nothing like the journey through lifetimes and sometimes we get ahead of ourselves.

Someone told me that the less you wash your hair the faster it grows so I bought every bottle of shampoo and conditioner on the shelf and scrubbed for days so that maybe I could slow down time.

It was the last day of my job, and I'm all packed, and I've got a bus ticket to Portland but nobody to pick me up at the station.

Maybe freedom is the ability to get ahead of ourselves.
Maybe if I scrub hard enough i can wash away our problems.

It's about a five hour drive.

 

Just me, and a lake, and God.

 It takes three hours to hike to and a lifetime to understand.
Just me, and a lake, and God.
It rained the whole time. The good kind of rain. Needles made the pines bleed. The air was as thick as sap.

Just me and him. Just us.
No words were really said. None needed to be.

Just us, and a lake.

And then we just looked at each other. All of the sudden I was in a staring contest with God. I think I won because the stars kept blinking. Even God needs night lights. But I don't know for sure because I was afraid to look him in the eyes.

And then He said "How come you don't believe in me?"
And I said "I think it's the other way around."

He saw his reflection in the lake, and I saw mine. And then we just looked at each other. Someone said we looked like brothers, but I couldn't see it. He had a woman's heart inside of a man's body. I had a broken heart inside of a jar.

It rained the whole time. Just us, and a lake.
Just Him.
Just me.
Then it was just me.

In twelve days my drivers license will tell you that im eighteen years old

when i was a kid, if you accidentally said the H-word
then you better plan on going there
if you played with toys you were normal
and if you scraped your knee it was ok to cry

when i was a kid, my favorite color was blue and my favorite food was pizza.
i guess everyones favorite color was blue and everyones favorite food was pizza
at recess i played four square \
my saturdays were filled with cereal and cartoons
the world was a jungle gym waiting to be played on.
some nights i slept in my parents room because i was scared of the dark
spiders kidnappers thunderstorms
if things got scary, i held my moms hand and knew everything would be alright.
everything was alright.

at 8 years old i hadnt sinned enough for my parents to say "im dissapointed in you"
all i had to do to make them proud was to be baptized
now they want me to baptize, and two years of dedication
might be enough to make them proud again.

when i was a kid, i treated september 11th like an action movie
because back then bad things only happened on TV
back then it was so easy to cry all i had to do was scrape my knee
but i ran out of tears when the kid in my art class
celebrated new years by killing himself.
bandaids can fix a scraped knee but there is no bandaid long enough
to reach into the skies and pull him back into existence
and when you put one on a casket it only helps seal it.

a year later my neighbor bled enough tears on her husbands grave to flood the cemetery
and almost float her husband back into her arms.
he left behind a 9 year old daughter she was just a kid
this jungle gym isnt fun to play on anymore

i just wish i had time to watch star wars again
when yoda died i turned off the movie.

mom, can i sleep in your room one more time?
hold my hand and lead me through the world, things are getting scary again.
tell me not to be scared
tell me its just pretend
because i want to be a kid again.

Prelude

I am Max Carol.

I have a story to tell you, so listen up.

Last week the Phantom came to me, and I wasn't expecting him to visit. He just appeared right inside my heart and filled me up with some feeling. Its hard to describe, I just knew it was him. I have never been more sure about anything, ever.

It started out in a hot tub in mexico, with a guy named Bud Peppe. He talked about his life in San Diego, and how he worked hard and is successful and happy. He said all I have to do is find out what I want to do with my life, and do it.
Well no shiz Bud, thats obvious. But it is also true.

Im not going to give a bunch of details, but I found the Phantom. I KNOW that I've found him. All the pieces came together. I finally saw how everything in my life until now is just setting me up for my Phantom. It all worked out. It all makes sense.


Go find the Phantom. He is there. You will know when he comes.

Listen to what he says.

"you will curse the day you did not do, all that the phantom asked of you"

I Remember costco

I remember Costco. I remember Costco and how they sold books. How I bought a Ripley's believe it or not and how I believed every word. I remember how I believed every word but how none of it seemed real to me. How nothing seems real to me, especially after a very real dream. I remember that very real dream when I kissed her. I remember how I kissed her and how that ruined everything. How I ruined everything and how I'm trying to fix it. How I fixed our computer. How the computer seemed to rule my life. How ruling my life was never done by me but always by others.
I remember how others go to Costco and how others have things happen to them that never become real to them and how they ruin things and they fix things and how they're lives are ruled by people other than themselves.
I want to go to Costco and tell them that this is all real
that you're dreams can become real, but first you've got to wake up
and stop trying to fix the damn computers in your life, they are only controlling you
and you can't let that happen
because this is all so real.

A Music Video is Worth 10 words

that outward existence which conforms
the inward life that questions.

Sad Chairs

suddenly the backyard barbeques just quit happening

broken and abandoned

i wish i was unique

white trash bench 

the kids never came once school started

where they first met

first and last date

i cant hold myself together much longer

"Iceland" pt 2, or "How to Give Up"

its august 2009, and im transferring into a sewing class
just to be in the same room as the girl ive had a crush on for the past four years.

its february 2010 and ive finally accepted defeat, so i start liking her best friend instead.
in may i give her a candy bar and a flower and awkwardly stare at the ground while i tell her happy birthday.

new semester in 2012, a girl sits by me in seminary and i think its love. shes six months older than me and we become friends but over the summer she forgets who i am.

the next fall i ask a girl that ive never talked to before to go to homecoming.
we kissed on new years but nothing ever really happened.

prom 2013 and i think i find the love of my life
i also find her cuddling with my friend a week later.

its my senior year and i know ive found the perfect girl.
i get butterflies every time i see her. we go to homecoming together.
nothing happens.

nothing ever really happens.
no matter how hard i try nothing ever really happens.
8 years later and ive finally given up on girls.
ive given up on school, and on god.
ive given up on my parents and theyve almost give up on me.
so far the only thing i havent given up on is iceland,
but she is still the perfect girl.

"Iceland", or "The Future"

it seems like the best things happen when we skip seminary,
and i dont think thats a coincidence.
i dont think its a coincidence that you asked me to come play super mario strikers after scout camp.
i dont think its a coincidence that we were converted to the same style of music,
and i dont think its a coincidence that we are set on iceland.
and in case you were wondering, this poems about a boy.
and if youre wondering if im gay, well im not.
but ive been called gay a lot and this boy has been there for all of that.
he wont give up on me and i wont give up on iceland,
because its all i have left.

Indie Poem

 i am the smoke from an incense stick

floating above the charred autumn leaves

i was not invented

i do not choose to exist.

the wind carries me

but unlike a breeze, i have no direction.

i long to be colorful

but no matter what burns inside me

i am just thick, gray smoke.

i hear children laughing, and ducks quacking, and a sun setting

but my whispy form creates no sound

i disappear with the fire.

Lies

it started out slowly
i was in second period last year
it was like coming out of anesthesia
or a crazy, yet vivid dream

i started seeing the lies.
i saw one in seminary, one in my dad
it didnt seem like much at first
like sinners in disguise

ive learned to recognize them now
im taking a math test
x has no solution
but nobody can see that
the teacher calls time
the student next to me rushes to fill in "B"
he is lying to himself
filling in random answers
someone asks about his future and he fills in a mission
his grandpa dies and he fills in heaven
his parents find out what he really thinks and he fills in guilt
he lives in guilt
hes filling in his grave
a tomb built of lies
the guilt tells him to believe in things he knows are wrong
but he knows they are wrong
and stops looking for solutions.

the next time we took a test, he left the sheet blank. he knew all of the answers they gave him were lies.

Lies Lies!

Everytime you close your eyes (lies! lies!)

Santa Claus and God

When I was little I worshiped Santa Claus and the whole Christmas season. 

Then my parents told me he didn't exist. They acted like they were good at keeping secrets, and that it was funny, and thought I was grown up enough to stop thinking of childish fantasies.

And I was like, "fuck you."

Now switch the viewpoint of me and my parents, and you've got my perspective on God. 

I want to tell my parents that he doesn't exist, that i'm good at keeping secrets, that it's funny, and that they need to grow up.

But I don't want to grow up. I want to believe in Santa, and in God. I want to continue with my fantasies. 

Death Pt 2 - a letter to my dog

Youre one of the stupidest creatures ive ever known, but i still feel like you deserve heaven. I hope you know that im sorry for not feeding or petting you sometimes or for pushing you out of the way. Im sorry you couldnt see the beauty of the world outside of our backyard. I wish i could have asked you what its like. you were laying out on the grass, sick as a dog (sorry) and i wanted so bad to talk to you. I wanted to tell you it would be ok. I wanted to tell you all my problems. Then before i got the chance you were gone.
Im scared to die. You probably didnt even know death was possible. Time is going by so quickly; youve been around most of my life and now i cant help but wonder when its my turn. Im even more scared i wont be remembered. That people will not recognize my name and teenagers will kick over my gravestone.
I dont know why im telling you this. Maybe since you have experienced death youll understand but maybe youre just a dumb old dog.
see you in a bit.

Death

its fall
the color of the leaves is changing fast
and so is my opinion on things
god isnt the same guy i once thought he was
hes keeping a lot of secrets lately
almost as if he has something to hide
hes hiding my grandpa
and hes hiding my dog but i know hes hiding more than that
he tells us theres a place called heaven
to make dying seem like a privilege
but hes got to be lying because death doesnt feel right
and death wasnt real until my grandpa died.
everyone at church said "hes in a better place now"
but its a place theyve never been
how can you give a restaurant 5 stars
if youve only heard of it
the same people keep telling me whats right and wrong
without giving an explanation
this population is brainwashed by the way weve been raised
i try to be open minded
i look for truth but never find it
soon the leaves will fall off the trees
even sooner ill get old
and god will hide me from you with the rest of his secrets

An Adventure

I want to go on an adventure
I want my life to be an adventure
I want to be the man with no plan
I want to be free
I want to do new things
I want to change the world
You want to stop me.