Change

not sure if anyone reads this blog anymore, but im moving my writing and everything over to tumblr.

tormenterrarium.tumblr.com

cheers,
-Tanner

baths and the moon and everything really

If it takes shit to make bliss, well then I feel pretty blissfully.

I can never decide if I believe in God. He is so cool for bringing us together but so cruel for bringing us together.

If lifes not beautiful without the pain, well I'd just rather never even see beauty again.

Everything about you is painfully beautiful.

Your tumblr is so black and white but life wasn't meant to be that way.

And yes, the moon was white against black as it came over the mountain and it illuminated you so perfectly. I never wanted to leave. It all made sense.

Either way, Baths will never sound the same. Zac said you didn't listen to Baths when you complimented my shirt but I don't care. I never liked you because of a band.

Sorry, but I love the way drugs make me feel and yeah they got me evicted. Somehow I'm happy about it because now I am geographically closer to you. Somehow magic mushrooms made me end up on your street. Yet somehow people say that drugs lead you down the wrong path.

Well fuck them. Fuck these lone peak fakes and their monotony. Fuck these sheep following each other. Fuck the whole herd. Fuck them and fuck everyone and everything but us. You're only sixteen years old and I want to hold you until you're a hundred and sixteen. Hopefully you're the last one I have to fall in love with.

Maybe this wasn't meant to be. Maybe you're faking it. Maybe I don't actually want what I think I do. Maybe we should go back to being sheep.
Maybe I'm willing to risk it all.

My Backyard

curiosity may have killed the cat but it's the only reason why my heart keeps pumping blood.

a $40k brick fence between me and my parents is damn hard to climb over
I don't mind. I never wanted to leave anyway

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what?
what?

why.

it doesn't even take a brain to understand but i'm listening to the most beautiful playlist and I would rather not take out my headphones.
I close my eyes when your lips start moving (the blind can see better)
but I don't see why you're so angry.


feet stained green and tie dye eyes
not born, but raised
I don't mind the solitude





maybe you could call it a phobia of reality.

The Land of Opportunity

If you were to ask me what was so important about the fourth of July I would say that it was the day I quit my job and started packing for Oregon. You would ask why I was going and I would tell you that it is hard to understand.

And God bless America because I'm 18 years old and I feel so free. Now there are fireworks going off in my head and I know they are beautiful but they are hard to understand.

I don't know why suicide is possible. Luckily for him, it wasn't.
Because the journey through state borders is nothing like the journey through lifetimes and sometimes we get ahead of ourselves.

Someone told me that the less you wash your hair the faster it grows so I bought every bottle of shampoo and conditioner on the shelf and scrubbed for days so that maybe I could slow down time.

It was the last day of my job, and I'm all packed, and I've got a bus ticket to Portland but nobody to pick me up at the station.

Maybe freedom is the ability to get ahead of ourselves.
Maybe if I scrub hard enough i can wash away our problems.

It's about a five hour drive.

 

Just me, and a lake, and God.

 It takes three hours to hike to and a lifetime to understand.
Just me, and a lake, and God.
It rained the whole time. The good kind of rain. Needles made the pines bleed. The air was as thick as sap.

Just me and him. Just us.
No words were really said. None needed to be.

Just us, and a lake.

And then we just looked at each other. All of the sudden I was in a staring contest with God. I think I won because the stars kept blinking. Even God needs night lights. But I don't know for sure because I was afraid to look him in the eyes.

And then He said "How come you don't believe in me?"
And I said "I think it's the other way around."

He saw his reflection in the lake, and I saw mine. And then we just looked at each other. Someone said we looked like brothers, but I couldn't see it. He had a woman's heart inside of a man's body. I had a broken heart inside of a jar.

It rained the whole time. Just us, and a lake.
Just Him.
Just me.
Then it was just me.

In twelve days my drivers license will tell you that im eighteen years old

when i was a kid, if you accidentally said the H-word
then you better plan on going there
if you played with toys you were normal
and if you scraped your knee it was ok to cry

when i was a kid, my favorite color was blue and my favorite food was pizza.
i guess everyones favorite color was blue and everyones favorite food was pizza
at recess i played four square \
my saturdays were filled with cereal and cartoons
the world was a jungle gym waiting to be played on.
some nights i slept in my parents room because i was scared of the dark
spiders kidnappers thunderstorms
if things got scary, i held my moms hand and knew everything would be alright.
everything was alright.

at 8 years old i hadnt sinned enough for my parents to say "im dissapointed in you"
all i had to do to make them proud was to be baptized
now they want me to baptize, and two years of dedication
might be enough to make them proud again.

when i was a kid, i treated september 11th like an action movie
because back then bad things only happened on TV
back then it was so easy to cry all i had to do was scrape my knee
but i ran out of tears when the kid in my art class
celebrated new years by killing himself.
bandaids can fix a scraped knee but there is no bandaid long enough
to reach into the skies and pull him back into existence
and when you put one on a casket it only helps seal it.

a year later my neighbor bled enough tears on her husbands grave to flood the cemetery
and almost float her husband back into her arms.
he left behind a 9 year old daughter she was just a kid
this jungle gym isnt fun to play on anymore

i just wish i had time to watch star wars again
when yoda died i turned off the movie.

mom, can i sleep in your room one more time?
hold my hand and lead me through the world, things are getting scary again.
tell me not to be scared
tell me its just pretend
because i want to be a kid again.

Prelude

I am Max Carol.

I have a story to tell you, so listen up.

Last week the Phantom came to me, and I wasn't expecting him to visit. He just appeared right inside my heart and filled me up with some feeling. Its hard to describe, I just knew it was him. I have never been more sure about anything, ever.

It started out in a hot tub in mexico, with a guy named Bud Peppe. He talked about his life in San Diego, and how he worked hard and is successful and happy. He said all I have to do is find out what I want to do with my life, and do it.
Well no shiz Bud, thats obvious. But it is also true.

Im not going to give a bunch of details, but I found the Phantom. I KNOW that I've found him. All the pieces came together. I finally saw how everything in my life until now is just setting me up for my Phantom. It all worked out. It all makes sense.


Go find the Phantom. He is there. You will know when he comes.

Listen to what he says.

"you will curse the day you did not do, all that the phantom asked of you"