I Remember costco

I remember Costco. I remember Costco and how they sold books. How I bought a Ripley's believe it or not and how I believed every word. I remember how I believed every word but how none of it seemed real to me. How nothing seems real to me, especially after a very real dream. I remember that very real dream when I kissed her. I remember how I kissed her and how that ruined everything. How I ruined everything and how I'm trying to fix it. How I fixed our computer. How the computer seemed to rule my life. How ruling my life was never done by me but always by others.
I remember how others go to Costco and how others have things happen to them that never become real to them and how they ruin things and they fix things and how they're lives are ruled by people other than themselves.
I want to go to Costco and tell them that this is all real
that you're dreams can become real, but first you've got to wake up
and stop trying to fix the damn computers in your life, they are only controlling you
and you can't let that happen
because this is all so real.

A Music Video is Worth 10 words

that outward existence which conforms
the inward life that questions.

Sad Chairs

suddenly the backyard barbeques just quit happening

broken and abandoned

i wish i was unique

white trash bench 

the kids never came once school started

where they first met

first and last date

i cant hold myself together much longer

"Iceland" pt 2, or "How to Give Up"

its august 2009, and im transferring into a sewing class
just to be in the same room as the girl ive had a crush on for the past four years.

its february 2010 and ive finally accepted defeat, so i start liking her best friend instead.
in may i give her a candy bar and a flower and awkwardly stare at the ground while i tell her happy birthday.

new semester in 2012, a girl sits by me in seminary and i think its love. shes six months older than me and we become friends but over the summer she forgets who i am.

the next fall i ask a girl that ive never talked to before to go to homecoming.
we kissed on new years but nothing ever really happened.

prom 2013 and i think i find the love of my life
i also find her cuddling with my friend a week later.

its my senior year and i know ive found the perfect girl.
i get butterflies every time i see her. we go to homecoming together.
nothing happens.

nothing ever really happens.
no matter how hard i try nothing ever really happens.
8 years later and ive finally given up on girls.
ive given up on school, and on god.
ive given up on my parents and theyve almost give up on me.
so far the only thing i havent given up on is iceland,
but she is still the perfect girl.

"Iceland", or "The Future"

it seems like the best things happen when we skip seminary,
and i dont think thats a coincidence.
i dont think its a coincidence that you asked me to come play super mario strikers after scout camp.
i dont think its a coincidence that we were converted to the same style of music,
and i dont think its a coincidence that we are set on iceland.
and in case you were wondering, this poems about a boy.
and if youre wondering if im gay, well im not.
but ive been called gay a lot and this boy has been there for all of that.
he wont give up on me and i wont give up on iceland,
because its all i have left.

Indie Poem

 i am the smoke from an incense stick

floating above the charred autumn leaves

i was not invented

i do not choose to exist.

the wind carries me

but unlike a breeze, i have no direction.

i long to be colorful

but no matter what burns inside me

i am just thick, gray smoke.

i hear children laughing, and ducks quacking, and a sun setting

but my whispy form creates no sound

i disappear with the fire.

Lies

it started out slowly
i was in second period last year
it was like coming out of anesthesia
or a crazy, yet vivid dream

i started seeing the lies.
i saw one in seminary, one in my dad
it didnt seem like much at first
like sinners in disguise

ive learned to recognize them now
im taking a math test
x has no solution
but nobody can see that
the teacher calls time
the student next to me rushes to fill in "B"
he is lying to himself
filling in random answers
someone asks about his future and he fills in a mission
his grandpa dies and he fills in heaven
his parents find out what he really thinks and he fills in guilt
he lives in guilt
hes filling in his grave
a tomb built of lies
the guilt tells him to believe in things he knows are wrong
but he knows they are wrong
and stops looking for solutions.

the next time we took a test, he left the sheet blank. he knew all of the answers they gave him were lies.

Lies Lies!

Everytime you close your eyes (lies! lies!)

Santa Claus and God

When I was little I worshiped Santa Claus and the whole Christmas season. 

Then my parents told me he didn't exist. They acted like they were good at keeping secrets, and that it was funny, and thought I was grown up enough to stop thinking of childish fantasies.

And I was like, "fuck you."

Now switch the viewpoint of me and my parents, and you've got my perspective on God. 

I want to tell my parents that he doesn't exist, that i'm good at keeping secrets, that it's funny, and that they need to grow up.

But I don't want to grow up. I want to believe in Santa, and in God. I want to continue with my fantasies. 

Death Pt 2 - a letter to my dog

Youre one of the stupidest creatures ive ever known, but i still feel like you deserve heaven. I hope you know that im sorry for not feeding or petting you sometimes or for pushing you out of the way. Im sorry you couldnt see the beauty of the world outside of our backyard. I wish i could have asked you what its like. you were laying out on the grass, sick as a dog (sorry) and i wanted so bad to talk to you. I wanted to tell you it would be ok. I wanted to tell you all my problems. Then before i got the chance you were gone.
Im scared to die. You probably didnt even know death was possible. Time is going by so quickly; youve been around most of my life and now i cant help but wonder when its my turn. Im even more scared i wont be remembered. That people will not recognize my name and teenagers will kick over my gravestone.
I dont know why im telling you this. Maybe since you have experienced death youll understand but maybe youre just a dumb old dog.
see you in a bit.

Death

its fall
the color of the leaves is changing fast
and so is my opinion on things
god isnt the same guy i once thought he was
hes keeping a lot of secrets lately
almost as if he has something to hide
hes hiding my grandpa
and hes hiding my dog but i know hes hiding more than that
he tells us theres a place called heaven
to make dying seem like a privilege
but hes got to be lying because death doesnt feel right
and death wasnt real until my grandpa died.
everyone at church said "hes in a better place now"
but its a place theyve never been
how can you give a restaurant 5 stars
if youve only heard of it
the same people keep telling me whats right and wrong
without giving an explanation
this population is brainwashed by the way weve been raised
i try to be open minded
i look for truth but never find it
soon the leaves will fall off the trees
even sooner ill get old
and god will hide me from you with the rest of his secrets

An Adventure

I want to go on an adventure
I want my life to be an adventure
I want to be the man with no plan
I want to be free
I want to do new things
I want to change the world
You want to stop me.

Im Scared

Im scared that what i hear every sunday is true. How can so many people say they know something is true when i have a hard time even believing? I believed in santa clause, in magic, in aliens, and for a little while i believed in god. 

Im scared that i will never know the truth. 

Im scared that everything i do know is just a lie.

I pinch myself regularly to prove that im awake but im scared that nobody else does that anymore.

Im scared that people are asleep to whats actually happening. Im scared that im asleep too.

But i keep pinching myself and it still hurts. The thought of this all being real hurts more than anyone's pinches.

The thought that you really meant what you said in that letter. The thought that you're dissapointed in me for not seeing the world like you do, and the thought that maybe i never will.

It all scares me.

#14

ive never felt like this before
im not saying that in the cheesy, "i love you more
than anything", kind of way
because i dont
but this time its different

we didnt really meet
until about 4 months after we met
on a dark crowded dance floor
then officially at the party in june

it was early then
and its still early
but ive always known i would fall in love with you
and i still havent, but it will happen soon

i barely know you
but i feel we have so much in common
our friends say we are opposites
but i learned from the magnets in my science kit
that opposites attract
and this attraction is stronger
than the magnetic pull of the north pole

but this time its different
my hearts not just a magnet
this time my hearts a compass
and youre the north pole
and this time i feel like im being pointed in the right direction

#13

i am on a fence
thin as paper
balancing on one foot
on the tip of my toes
with the wind at both sides

its tug of war
and im the rope
im also the referee
i decide who wins

but i cant decide
between right and wrong
my senses are gone
fate tips the fence
i fall


and im trapped on one side.

#12

maybe im wrong
maybe my brain isnt working right
but at least im following my heart

in every movie ive seen
every book ive read
and life lesson ive learned
they have told me to follow my heart

i finally am, and they tell me im wrong.

#11

The first day of school they told me i could grow up
to be whatever i wanted
that decision haunted me for a while
I finally decided, and told them
"I want to be everything!"
they laughed and tore apart my adventurous heart
and i can only start to forgive them

they said you can grow up to be whatever you wanted
then they put you in a suit for two years
tell you to get married
and find a respectable job
"it's the only way to be happy"

the freedom was never really there
but if you choose freedom
"you're going to hell"

one of us is wrong, but either way
i'm growing up to be what i want to.

Love Is...

Love is kittens. It's cute for a little bit but then it just ruins things and makes babies.
Love is an empty notebook.
Love is a road trip to all your favorite places.
Love is the buttons on a button-up shirt.
Love is where you first noticed her.
Love is a ball of playdoh.
Love is what you wake up for when the alarm goes off at 5:30.
Love is the nervous feeling you get when she walks into the room.
Love is a dresser filled with all of your best clothes.
Love is a mathbook, loaded with problems.

Love is a mathbook.

What happens once you get past the problems? (does anyone really get past the problems?)
Love IS the problems. You learn from them.
You learn from each other.

Love is like learning calculus. You will never completely understand it, but you can know enough to pass.

Love takes time.

A 'Children's Garden' Where They Tell Us What We Can and Can't Grow

This is what my kindergarten teacher called a cookie person. She told us that we were old enough to draw detailed, realistic looking people. Back then I believed I knew how to draw. Back then this is how I viewed people. I liked my drawings simple. I liked my life simple!! I don't understand why we are expected to make everything so complicated when we get older. Simple is good. Simple is happy. So why is simple not enough?

Please Prove You're Not a Robot

I wish I could. I eat three meals a day. I sleep every night. My heart beats regularly.

I don't even know how I got here. They tell me it was some big explosion, or a magician in the clouds, but could robots be created by either? Maybe I'm not a robot after all. I wish this magician would just reveal his secrets because I'm sick of wondering how he did this trick.

I'm scared the magician will stay invisible forever.

Me

My mind is a washing machine with an extra large load of thoughts. Some of them fade, some blend colors. I don’t use bleach to brighten things up, but there are some days when I realize I should. The water that drains after a cycle of thinking is a soapy brown. I’m left with a pile of tangled wet clothes. My washing machine didn't come with an owners manual, so maybe i’m not using it right.

I keep expecting it to sort and dry my clothes on its own, but that’s what I’m going to use this blog for.